The Mistress Of Hanover Square/Anne Herries
After Susannah left them to settle in, Amelia walked to the window and looked out. Her view was of the lake and park, and, as she watched for a moment, she saw three horsemen canter to a halt and dismount. They had obviously been out riding together for pleasure and were in high good humour. Her breath caught in her throat as she heard laughter and caught sight of one familiar face. So Gerard was to be one of the guests this Christmas!
Amelia realised that she had been hoping for it, her heart beginning to thump with excitement. Oh, how foolish she was! Just because Gerard was here did not mean that he would speak of marriage. Why should he indeed? Had he wished to he had had ample opportunity to do so before this…
She turned away to glance in the mirror. She was still attractive but she was no longer a young girl. It was quite ridiculous to fancy herself in love; the time for such things had passed her by. The most she could hope for now would be a marriage of convenience, as Emily had suggested on the way to Pendleton. If perhaps Gerard were looking for a mother for his daughter he might consider Amelia a suitable choice…
Amelia shook her head, dismissing her thoughts as a flight of fancy. There were a dozen young and beautiful girls Gerard might think of taking as his wife. Why should he look at a woman of her age? She had just turned eight and twenty. Besides, he was probably still grieving for the wife he had lost. Why had he married only a few months after their parting? Her brother Michael had behaved disgracefully to Gerard, of course, but why had he not told Amelia? She would have run away with him had he asked her then.
If he had ever loved her, his love had faded and died. He had seemed interested in Amelia the summer before last but the moment had passed. He had gone to France and when he returned he had still not spoken. There was no reason to suppose he would now.
She must not spend her time dreaming of something that would never happen!
Her thoughts turned to her companion. She knew that this time of year was often sad for Emily, because of her secret sorrow. None of their friends knew of Emily’s secret, but she had told Amelia the truth when they first met. In doing so she had risked losing the chance of a good position for many would have turned her away. Amelia had admired her honesty. She had done everything she could to make Emily forget the past, but nothing could take away the ache Emily carried inside.
Amelia was thoughtful as she prepared to go downstairs. She was almost sure that Mr Toby Sinclair would be a guest at Pendleton that Christmas. He had paid Emily some attention earlier in the year but nothing had come of it. If he were to offer for her…but nothing was certain. Amelia would not put the idea into her companion’s mind but if it happened she would be delighted.
If it did not perhaps there was something she might be able to do to help the girl she had come to love almost as a sister.
Amelia was glad that she had seen Gerard from her window; the knowledge that he was here at Pendleton made it possible for her to meet him without that element of surprise she might otherwise have felt. She was able to greet him in the drawing room later that evening with perfect serenity.
‘How nice to see you here, sir,’ she said, offering her hand and giving no sign that her heart was beating rather too fast. ‘People are arriving all the time. I think Susannah will have a great many guests this Christmas.’
‘Yes, I imagine she will,’ Gerard agreed. He held her hand briefly. ‘How are you, Miss Royston? I trust you have no further trouble since I last saw you?’
‘None at all, sir – except for a raid by some foxes on our hen houses. But I know you did not mean that,’ Amelia laughed softly. ‘You are referring to the abduction attempt made the summer before last when we were all here together I imagine?’
‘Yes, I was. I am glad nothing more has happened to disturb your peace.’ He looked at her thoughtfully. ‘I am glad that you are here this Christmas. I was hoping that I might have a private conversation with you concerning my daughter? I would rather like your advice.’
‘I should be delighted to help you if I am able.’ As he smiled, Amelia’s heart stopped for one moment, and then raced on madly. ‘Of course, my experience with children is limited to my orphans and the children of friends – but I am fond of them.’
‘It is your feeling as a woman of compassion that I need,’ Gerard assured her. One of the other guests was headed towards them; from her manner and gestures she was clearly intent on speaking with Amelia. ‘This is not the time, however – perhaps tomorrow we might take a walk in the gardens?’
‘Yes, certainly,’ Amelia agreed. Her smile and quiet manner continued undisturbed. Gerard had asked for help with his daughter and she was quite willing to give it if she could, even if she could not help wishing that his request to walk with her had stemmed from a very different desire. Seeing him, being close to him, had aroused feelings that were not appropriate for a woman who was unlikely to marry. She closed her mind to the tantalising visions of herself in his arms…his bed. That way lay disaster and heartbreak! She must remember her dignity at all times. As a young woman she had not hesitated to confess her love, but things were different now. ‘I am available to you at any time, my lord.’
‘Do you not think we could be Gerard and Amelia?’ he asked. ‘We are friends of some long standing I think?’
‘Yes, indeed we are,’ Amelia agreed. For a moment the look in his eyes was so intent that she could not breathe. He should not look at her so if he wanted nothing more than friendship.
Their conversation was ended as they were drawn into the company. Susannah’s guests were of all ages and included some young people, who had been allowed to come down to dinner because it was nearly Christmas. The eclectic mix of young and old, Harry’s relatives and friends of the couple, made for a lively evening. The younger members were sent to bed after their meal, but the older guests continued in their merry way until long past midnight.
It was not until the moment that she had decided to retire that Gerard approached Amelia once more.
‘Shall we say ten o’clock for our walk?’ he asked. ‘If that is not too early for you?’
‘I am always an early riser.’
‘You must wrap up well for I think it may be a cold morning.’
‘I enjoy walking in any kind of weather, except a downpour,’ Amelia assured him.
Their arrangements made, Amelia went upstairs to the apartment she shared with Emily. She saw that Emily was looking thoughtful and asked her if she had enjoyed the evening.
‘You did not find the young company too much, dearest?’
‘It was a delightful evening,’ Emily assured her. ‘Mr Sinclair and I joined in a guessing game with some of the young people at the dinner table. I do not know when I have had such fun…’ A wistful expression came to her eyes. ‘I was an only child and I doubt I shall have…’ She blinked hard, as if to stop herself crying. ‘I am certain Mr Sinclair means to make me an offer, Amelia. What shall I do?’
‘I believe you should tell him the truth. He will keep your confidence for Toby Sinclair is a true gentleman. If he still wishes for the marriage he will make it clear to you.’
‘And if he does not?’ Emily lifted her head as if to seek guidance and then nodded as she answered her own question. ‘I must bear it. You are quite right, Amelia. I cannot be less than truthful, though it may make things awkward for the rest of our stay here.’
‘Perhaps if you could prevent him speaking for a few days, and then tell him just before we leave. If he needs time to consider his feelings, he would have his chance before following us to Coleridge.’
‘You are so wise and sensible,’ Emily said and looked relieved. ‘I shall do my best to avoid being alone with him until the day before we leave.’
‘Try not to brood on the outcome.’ Amelia kissed her cheek. ‘I believe it may all turn out better than you imagine, dearest.’
Having done her best to reassure her friend, Amelia went to her own room. She dismissed her maid as soon as the girl had undone the little hooks at the back of her gown, preferring to be alone with her thoughts. It was easier to settle Emily’s doubts than her own, for she had no doubt that Toby Sinclair was deeply in love. It was more difficult to understand Gerard Ravenshead’s feelings.
Sometimes his look seemed to indicate that he felt a strong emotion for her, but at others his expression was brooding and remote. They were friends but was that all? Amelia was afraid that her chance of a happy marriage had long since passed. Gerard had once felt love for her, but these days it seemed that he thought of her as a mature lady in whom he might confide his worries concerning his daughter. He could have no idea of the passionate and improper thoughts his nearness aroused in her. She must be careful to conceal her feelings for otherwise there might be some embarrassment.
‘No! No Lisette…I beg you…do not do it…forgive me…’ Gerard Ravenshead’s arm twitched, his head moving from side to side as he sat in the deep wing chair in the library at Pendleton. He was dreaming… a dream he had had too many times before. ‘No, I say! Stop…the blood…the blood…’ He screamed out and woke to find himself in a room where the fire had gone cold and the candles burned out.
Unable to sleep, he had dressed and come down to read for a while and fallen into a fitful sleep. He hoped that his nightmare had woken no one. Having gone for some months without one, he had hoped they were finished but something had brought it all back to him.
Gerard rose from the chair and walked over to the window, gazing out as the light strengthened. It was dawn and another night had gone.
The library was an impressive, long room with glass-fronted bookcases on three walls, a magnificent desk, occasional tables and comfortable chairs – and three sets of French windows to let in maximum light. Gerard was an avid reader and, when at home in his house in Hanover Square, often sat late into the night reading rather than retiring to his bedchamber, where he found it impossible to sleep. Indeed, he could hardly remember a night when he had slept through until morning.
Gerard was a handsome man, tall, broad in the shoulder with strong legs that looked particularly well in the riding breeches he most often wore. His coats had never needed excessive padding at the shoulder. His hair was very dark but not black, his eyes grey and sometimes flinty. His expression was often brooding, stern; perhaps because his thoughts caused him regret. At this moment he wore a pair of buff coloured breeches and topboots and his fine linen shirt was opened to the waist. A glass of wine was to hand but he had scarcely touched it. Gerard had long ago discovered that there was no forgetfulness in a wine bottle.
Before falling into a restless sleep, he had spent the night wrestling with his problem. His daughter was in need of feminine company, and not just that of nursemaids or a governess. He too was in need of a female companion: a woman with whom he could share his hopes and dreams, a woman he could admire and respect. In short he needed a wife. Having made one mistake with the young French girl he had married out of pity, he did not wish to make another. Easy enough to find a mistress or even a young woman willing to become Countess Ravenshead, but there was only one woman Gerard wanted as his wife – the woman he had been denied when he was a young man and head over heels in love.
He touched the scar at his right temple, the only blemish on a strong and handsome face, his eyes darkening at the memory it aroused. Amelia’s brother had instructed his servants to beat him when he dared to ask for her hand as a young man; he had not been wealthy enough to please the proud Sir Michael Royston! However, it was not fear of Sir Michael’s displeasure that made Gerard hesitate to ask Amelia Royston if she would be his wife now. Guilt weighed heavily on his conscience, because he had not told anyone the whole truth concerning his wife’s death. It was the reason for his nightmares.
‘Damn you, Lisette. Let me be…’ His eyes were dark with memories as he relieved the dream. ‘So much blood…so much blood…’
She had been ill for a long time after the birth of her child, but it was not that illness that had caused her death. Lisette had died by her own hand.
He found her with her wrists cut in a bath of warm water. She was still alive when he dragged her from the bath but barely breathing. He had tried frantically to save her, sending his servant for the doctor, but his efforts were in vain and she was dead when the doctor arrived. Lisette had been buried and Gerard mourned the loss of a young life.
He had not loved her but she haunted his dreams, because he blamed himself for her death. He had married her out of pity, because she was young, alone and with child, abandoned by her lover in a country that was not her own. He knew that the father of her child was an English officer but Lisette had never named him. His own dreams turned to dust, Gerard had done what he believed was the right thing – a good thing, but he had been unable to love her and when Lisette finally understood that she had taken her own life.
‘I am so sorry…so very sorry…’
Gerard had never been able to confess the truth to another living soul. He carried it inside, where it continued to fester. If he allowed his guilt to haunt him it would ruin his life. Gerard had no idea whether or not Amelia would marry him if he asked her. What would she think if she knew the truth concerning his wife’s death?
He had been on the point of asking her to be his wife once, but an urgent message had sent him hurrying to his daughter’s side in France. Little Lisa was a demanding child and she did not like her Papa to leave her for long periods. Realising she needed more than her nurses, Gerard had brought her to England and placed her in the charge of an English nanny, but neither Lisa nor her papa was truly content.
Gerard had reached the conclusion that he would never know true happiness unless he asked Amelia Royston to be his wife. He could not marry her without confessing his secret, which was one of the reasons why he had hesitated so long, for he feared that she would turn from him in disgust. He had wanted to die on the battlefield the first time he lost her; to let himself hope and then lose her a second time would destroy him
This was ridiculous! He was a man of six and thirty and should be able to face up to the truth without fear of rejection. It might be better if he forgot about marriage altogether. He had broken Lisette’s heart, causing her to commit suicide. Perhaps he would do better to remain unwed.
Your Film Guide To Healthy Relationships – Want A Recipe For Great Cooking And Loving?
Want real health care reform? Start cooking real food and making real love. That’s a healthy love tip I’ve often told our online community. Now you have a film guide to reveal recipes for hearty meals and happy marriages. You’ll be craving both as you experience the delicious film, Julie and Julia.
It’s the story of two lost women who find their professional purpose through food and passionate fulfillment in marriage. This film celebrates the best in happy marriages with lasting love. It’s inspired by true love stories of two couples.
The best known couple, based on Chef Julia Child and her diplomat husband, Paul Child, had enjoyed five decades of great cooking and loving in France and America until death parted them in their 90s. They are brought to life with endearing wit and charm by Meryl Streep and Stanley Tucci.
The second couple is based on a young newlywed (Amy Adams) in New York who blogs her way through the preparation of 524 of Julia’s French recipes in 365 days and through common hurdles of making an emotional home in a new marriage to a supportive husband.
These two love stories are interwoven into a graceful tapestry by the film’s writer and director, Nora Ephron. She’s reported to be enjoying a second marriage of 22 years, after suffering through a betrayal while she was pregnant by her first husband, the journalist Carl Bernstein of Watergate fame.
Ms. Ephron has survived and thrived after that marriage melodrama, and there’s no hint of it in her film portrait of these two marriages. She gives us an authentic portrayal of pleasures and passion in a mid-life marriage. A delightful example is when Julia and Paul Childs sneak home from cooking school and the American Embassy in Paris for a little lunch and some afternoon delight.
When Julia learns her newly-married sister is pregnant with her first baby in her 40s, we sense sadness that the Childs weren’t able to have children in an era before infertility intervention.
When we learn that Julia was a 40 year old virgin when she married Paul, it tugs at your heart when she asks him, “What if you didn’t fall in love with me?”
“But I did,” Paul said tenderly. And then he showed his love in wonderful ways — as they stood by each other, handled challenges and sparked chemistry as a couple. Not in a sappy, trite way. But with savvy joy that can be experienced in any mutually-supportive marriage. If you seek a role model, Julia and Paul can be your love guide.
What about the blogger and her husband?
Julie Powell’s blogging adventure had connected her to online readers (including her mother) while she reported on the results of a preparing a Julia Child recipe each day.
At one point, Julie asked her readers if anyone’s out there paying attention to her. Having blogged for a year, I’ve often wondered that myself. This is a tender nudge for you to start a dialogue and make a meaningful connection with people you’re getting to know online.
After month’s of Julie’s blogging had stolen her focus and energy from her husband, she had to decide whether to change her priorities to save their relationship. It’s an authentic love test that most couples face in an enduring relationship. The love lessons they learn from this experience will make you question how your choices and priorities affect your relationship.
Can you recall any recent Hollywood films that portray the emotional depth and enduring passion in a happy marriage?
I can’t. So there’s another reason I’m recommending that you go to the theater and savor this tasty treat. You’ll also send Hollywood a message of support to keep making glorious, grownup love stories.
I hope you’ll see this film as a love guide to spark up your relationship. And if you’re single and seeking your great love match, I invite you to claim a free, 30-day membership in the Singles Club in Tribe OF Blondes.
Not a hair color, it’s a resilient optimism that unites us and fuels our adventures.
Start meeting our savvy Tribe Of Singles in video chats, book discussions and travel vacations.
Claim your free, 30-day trial membership when you click on SINGLES CLUB at the top of this page, and sign up now!
Dedicated to your dating and relationship happiness,
Hadley Finch
Maternal obesity during pregnancy increases risk for ADHD Symptoms
Maternal obesity during pregnancy is not one of the usual suspects of risk factors for ADHD. Yet, it seems that there is some preliminary evidence associating maternal obesity and ADHD. The latest study showing this link was published in the last issue of the Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatrist by Alina Rodriguez from the Uppsala University in Sweden and Imperial College in London.
- In this new study the author first presented 4 issues that remain unresolved from previous research linking maternal obesity and ADHD
- Since obesity is associated with distress, is it possible that it is the distress during pregnancy that increases the risk for ADHD rather than the obesity?
- It is possible that maternal obesity and child ADHD are simply related to a common genetic factor. In such a case, it would be the genetic factor, and not the obesity that increases the risk for ADHD
- Maternal obesity is associated with small birth weight due to fetal growth restrictions, and some studies have linked small birth size to ADHD, possibly through its effects on emotional regulation. Thus, is small birth size the possible link between maternal obesity and ADHD?
- Maternal obesity is also associated with childhood obesity. Is it possible then than the increased risk for ADHD is due to childhood obesity?
To begin to tackle these issues, the author examined a cohort of women who were pregnant in Sweden from 1999 to 2000. The cohort for this analysis included 1,714 mother-child dyads who were evaluated when the child was 5 years of age. The Body Mass Index of the mothers was obtained during pregnancy and divided into 4 groups: underweight (15–19.99), normal weight (20–24.99), overweight (25–29.99), and obese (+30). ADHD symptoms and emotionality at age 5 were assessed via a questionnaires completed by both mothers and teachers. A number of covariates (or potentially explanatory factors) were also measured including maternal stress during pregnancy (divorce, financial problems, etc), socio-economic status, smoking, the child’s own weight, and depression.
The results:
- 37% of the mothers were classified as either overweight or obese (28% overweight and 10% obese)
- Obese mothers were significantly more depressed than the mothers in any of the other weight categories
- Children of obese mothers had significantly more symptoms of inattention but not hyperactivity when these symptoms were reported by the teachers. Specifically, maternal obesity was associated with a 2-fold increase in risk of teacher-rated inattention symptoms when compared to the children of normal-weight mothers. This association remained stable after controlling for the possible explanatory factors.
- Maternal Obesity was also associated with an increased risk for negative emotion regulation difficulties as indicated by a teacher-reported emotionality questionnaire.
- Maternal Obesity was not associated with any symptom when the symptoms were reported by the mother.
A couple of things were surprising. First, the results of the teacher-reported inattention problems were strong, which was of note given that no association was found between obesity and hyperactivity. This discrepancy between inattention and hyperactivity actually points towards a clear link between obesity and adhd (at least inattentive type). That is, since obesity was associated with inattention but not hyperactivity, it is unlikely that the original findings reflected simply an association between obesity and more general behavioral problems in childhood. Instead, the link seems to be specific to one aspect of ADHD. Second, the lack of association between obesity and maternal reported symptoms continues a pattern of findings I have previously discussed (see for example this article on the effects of multiple daycare arrangements) that suggests that there are some limitations in the nature of maternal reports of the child behavior. In my experience working on several large scale family-based longitudinal studies, fathers and teachers reports of kids’ behaviors tend to agree with each other, but these reports do not always agree with the mother’s. It seems that mothers often see, or report, different behavioral tendencies in their children when compared to what teachers see (or report).
In sum, the study provides additional evidence linking maternal obesity to inattention problems in early childhood. This study expands previous findings by also showing that such a link can not be fully explained by a number of potential factors, such as maternal stress, depression, and socio-economic status. However, please also note that this study did not actually assessed for the presence of ADHD. That is, these kids did not undergo the comprehensive evaluation needed for an accurate diagnosis of ADHD. Instead, the study assessed ADHD-related symptoms as reported by teachers and parents. It would be interesting to see if obesity is associated with true ADHD diagnoses in this population.
The reference: Rodriguez, A. (2009). Maternal pre-pregnancy obesity and risk for inattention and negative emotionality in children Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry DOI: 10.1111/j.1469-7610.2009.02133.x
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An Innocent Debutante in Hanover Square
‘You will go and you will leave Ned with me,’ she said, her voice strong and fearless despite the knots tying themselves in her stomach as she faced the great brute of a man she had caught beating his climbing boy. ‘You are lucky that I do not call the magistrate and have you arrested for cruelty. This child is too ill to do his work.’
‘Lazy ingrate that’s what he be,’ the sweep muttered. His hands were ingrained with soot, his face streaked with it. He had a fearful scar on one cheek and he squinted with his left eye. He was scowling so fiercely that Helene’s courage might have deserted her had she not seen the scars on a previous climbing boy’s back. Jeb had died of his injuries. She was determined that it would not happen to Ned. ‘I bought the brat from the workhouse. He belongs to me – and that’s the law. You can’t take him from me, miss.’
‘What did you pay for him?’ Helene was haughty as she faced her much larger opponent across the kitchen of her uncle’s home. She knew that the sweep could fell her with a blow of his huge fist, but she refused to feel afraid. ‘Tell me and you shall be paid…’
‘I paid ten gold guineas for him,’ the sweep growled.
Helene knew that he was lying. No one paid so much for a boy from the workhouse. However, she understood that she must pay the price if she wished to take the child from him.
‘Very well, you shall be paid,’ she promised. ‘You may go. I will send the money to your wife tomorrow.’
The sweep scowled at her, anger flashing in his eyes. ‘If you don’t send the money – all of it! – I shall come and take him back,’ he muttered and went off, stomping out of the kitchen in a temper.
‘You’ve landed yourself in a pickle again, miss.’ Bessie stared at her. ‘Where will you find ten guineas to pay him? And what are we to do with him now we have him?’
Helene felt the lad tremble beneath her hand. ‘Don’t send me back to Mister Beazor, miss,’ he said, sniffed and wiped the back of his hand across his nose and then on his disreputable breeches, smearing more soot on his face in the process. ‘He’ll kill me sure as hell is full of the devil.’
‘You watch your language,’ Bessie warned him sharply. ‘Speak respectful to Miss Henderson. She just saved you from a terrible beating.’
‘Please do not scold him, Bessie,’ Helene said and smiled at the maid she thought of as her best friend. Bessie was her mama’s only servant and had helped Helene out of scrapes many times when she was a girl. ‘I think he needs a bath and something to eat.’
‘He could certainly do with a bath,’ Bessie agreed. ‘He doesn’t smell too sweet.’
‘What’s a bath?’ Ned eyed them suspiciously. ‘Does it hurt?’
‘Lord bless him!’ Bessie laughed. ‘We’re going to put you in a tub of hot water and wash all the soot and grime off you, lad.’
‘Nah…don’t fancy that…’ Ned backed away from them nervously.
‘I promise you it won’t hurt,’ Helene told him. ‘Afterwards, I shall put some ointment on your back and then you can eat your meal.’
‘What’s to eat?’ Ned looked round hopefully, a sign of interest in his eyes now.
‘You shall have a hot meat pie and some cake,’ Bessie said, seeing the gleam and smiling inwardly. ‘But you’ve got to be clean. I can’t have dirty boys in my kitchen.’
‘Are you certain it don’t hurt?’ Ned’s nose twitched as the smell of pies baking reached his nostrils.
‘I promise,’ Helene said and turned as one of the other servants entered the kitchen. ‘Jethro, will you fetch the tub from the scullery please? We are going to give this lad a bath.’
Jethro nodded. ‘I saw Beazor looking like thunder. He’s a bad man, miss. He’s already done for two workhouse lads. He’s been warned that if it happens again he won’t get another.’
‘Is that all they can think of to threaten him with?’ Helene’s eyes flashed. ‘In my opinion a beating is the least he deserves. He has killed boys and no one does anything to stop him.’
‘Yes, miss, a few of us were thinking the same,’ Jethro said, his expression grim. ‘I’ll fetch the tub and give you a hand with him, Bessie. Your uncle was looking for you, Miss Henderson.’
‘Yes, I know he wished to speak with me,’ Helene said. ‘I shall have to ask him what we should do with Ned…’
‘You can leave him to me, miss,’ Jethro said. ‘I need a lad to help out in the yard. He’ll do with me. No need to bother Mr Barnes.’
‘No, I would rather not…’ Helene thanked him, told Ned to be good and hurried away to keep her appointment with her uncle. Edgar Barnes was a fair-minded man. He had taken his sister and her child in when Helene’s father died from a fever after a fall from his horse. However, he was not a wealthy man. He had promised to do something for her, and she knew that he had summoned her to his library to talk about her dowry that morning. She had been offered a season in town by a good friend of her mother’s. Her uncle had already given her fifty pounds towards her spending money in town but the dowry would need to be a more substantial sum if she were to stand a chance of making a good match. Especially in view of what some might see as her unfortunate background.
Helene could ill afford to give Beazor the ten guineas she had promised him, but she must do it. Her mother had spoken of Miss Royston being very generous, but Helene was not perfectly sure what that meant, though she knew they were to be guests at Miss Amelia Roystons’s town house. Neither her uncle nor her mother could have afforded to give her a London season and she felt very grateful to the lady she remembered only vaguely. It was very kind of Miss Royston to send such an invitation.
Helene hesitated outside her uncle’s door, then took a deep breath, knocked and opened the door. He was writing at his desk but looked up as she entered and smiled.
‘Ah, Helene, my dear. I am pleased to see you. Come in, niece, and sit down. I want to talk to you about your visit to town.’
‘Yes, uncle. I am sorry I am a little late, sir.’
‘No matter…’ He waved his hand in a dismissive manner. ‘I am sure you understand your great good fortune and the opportunity this visit affords you?’
‘Yes, uncle. I am very grateful to Miss Royston for inviting us.’
‘You must make the most of it,’ Uncle Edgar told her, his fingers touching as he placed his hands in the steeple position and looked serious. ‘I have two sons to see through college and I must do something to secure the future of my younger boy. Matthew wants a set of colours and that is an expense I can scarce bear. I had thought I might give you fifty pounds a year, but some of my investments have failed miserably and I am no longer able to make the commitment…’
‘I am sorry for your loss, sir,’ Helene told him, her heart sinking. Without a dowry she would stand little chance of making an advantageous match. The fact of her maternal grandfather having been in trade was a disadvantage in itself, though Helene herself was proud of being Matthew Barnes’s granddaughter. He had fought his way up from lowly beginnings to become a man of some fortune, which accorded well with her notions of equality. Unfortunately, a quarrel between Helene’s mama and her father had meant that Mrs Henderson had been left a mere competence. Helene had nothing at all for she had not been born when Matthew Barnes died. ‘Then I have no dowry at all?’
‘I can give you a hundred pounds extra now and that is all,’ Uncle Edgar said with a sigh of regret. ‘I am sorry, Helene. It is fortunate that your mother has a good friend in Miss Royston.’
‘Yes, the visit will be pleasant, though I think I may not be able to oblige Mama by making a good marriage…’
‘Miss Royston understands the situation and she is giving you five thousand pounds as a dowry….’ Helene gasped at the news and her uncle smiled. ‘Yes, it is a very large sum, Helene. It should help you to make a good match. All the more reason why you should make sure you please your benefactress. You must strive to be on your best behaviour and to make the most of your chances. You must not be too particular, Helene. Do not expect a great match, my dear. He should be a decent man, of course – and you must not go against the wishes of Miss Royston. However, I know you to be a sensible girl…most of the time. But I shall say nothing of your little lapses, which I know come from your heart. You care about others and that is not a bad thing, but sometimes you are led into the wrong paths by impulse.’
Helene wondered if he had heard anything of the scene in his kitchen earlier, but she did not ask. Her uncle would not want to be involved in the quarrel for he always took the line of least resistance if he could, and he would probably say that Ned should be returned to his master. He certainly would not approve of paying ten guineas to the sweep!
‘I do try to be sensible, uncle,’ Helene told him. ‘It is just that I cannot stand cruelty in any form.’
‘I do not like it myself, but sometimes one has to turn the other cheek, Helene.’
‘Yes, uncle. I shall try to remember.’
Helene’s thoughts were very different to her words. She and Bessie had done what they could to save the climbing boy who had been beaten so badly that he died. The sigh of his emaciated body, the bruises and the way he had just turned his face to the wall and died had lived in her mind, because she had known that his spirit was broken. If she’d had a little money of her own she would have set up a school for poor boys and alleviated the worst of their suffering. However, even then she could help only a few, and she had often thought the answer lay with men like her uncle. Edgar Barnes was not wealthy but he had standing in the community. He and others far more powerful should put a stop to the barbaric laws that allowed children to be bought for a few shillings, half starved and forced to work for their bread.
However, she knew better than to voice her opinion on the matter. Most gentlemen believed ladies should be seen and admired, treated with utmost gentleness, but their opinions seldom counted for anything other than in the matter of the household they ran. Such attitudes might have made Helene angry had she not understood it was simply the way of things. Because she might otherwise have said too much, Helene had fallen into the habit of saying little in the company of her uncle’s friends. They were all older men, gallant, charming and entrenched in their traditions. To challenge their long held beliefs would have been rude. As a result she was deemed to be a quiet girl, pretty enough but perhaps a little shy?
Leaving her uncle’s study, Helene’s thoughts returned to the problem of the sweep. She decided that she would consult Jethro in the matter of payment. She would give him the money and trust him to pay what was necessary. Anything he saved could be spent on some decent clothes for Ned. She could hardly expect him to support the boy entirely from his own pocket.
As she went upstairs to her bedchamber, Helene mentally reviewed the gowns she was taking with her to London. She had four new evening dresses one morning gown and one for the afternoon; all the others had been worn several times before she went into mourning for her father. Would they be enough to see her through the season? If her uncle gave her the hundred pounds he had promised, perhaps she might purchase a few extra gowns for she was certain they would be needed if they were invited to some modest affairs. It was hardly likely that she would attend the most prestigious balls taking place in the houses of the aristocracy, for although her father had been a gentleman, he had never possessed a vast fortune or a title.
Helene decided that she would wait until she got to London before purchasing more gowns. It would not be long now and she might not actually need them. The money would be better saved for more important things…
Child-Psych will be back in 2 weeks
Dear readers of Child-Psych,
Unfortunately I will have very limited internet access for approximately 2 weeks and no updates will be posted during this time. I hope to start posting again before July 15th. Thank you all for reading Child-Psych and for your patience!
Happy 4th of July!
Nestor.
www.child-psych.org
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Birth of a Romance Hero
By Debra Mullins
What makes a romance hero? Well, you take a hunky man, add a dash of danger, a smidgen of sexiness and a streak of kindness…mix well, then insert into book.
I wish it were that easy.
One of the reasons I love writing romance is because of the hero. What woman doesn’t love to fall a little bit in love with a guy who is protective, strong, vulnerable, loyal, kind-hearted, smart and has a great sense of humor? He might be dashingly handsome or homely-yet-attractive, but it’s the heart of the hero that captures us as readers. We cheer for him even as he makes mistakes. We want him to be worthy of our heroine.
When I create a hero, it usually starts with an emotion. Whether I get the inspiration from a song or a movie or some other place, it starts with that intangible feeling, whether good or bad. It might be that the hero has to learn to deal with the bad emotion or that he has to learn how to earn the good one. That’s where the heart of the hero lies.
In my new book, TO RUIN THE DUKE, the hero is trying to avoid feeling the pain of the recent loss of his wife and unborn child. Especially the unborn child. Yet in order to grow as a person, he needs to deal with these emotions. So how better to make him do that than to bring in the heroine, who shows up with a baby on his doorstep?
Watching Wylde resist the lure of the innocent baby—a child the heroine insists is his, though he knows it’s not—tugs at the heartstrings even as we watch him ruthlessly track down the man who has been impersonating him all over London. The heroine—who was friends with the baby’s mother before her death in childbirth—is determined to make sure Wylde takes responsibility for his child. She does not believe his protestations of innocence.
The one thing Wylde always wanted was a family of his own. He desperately wishes his son had not died. And now here is another little boy who needs a home, a son everyone believes is his yet isn’t. Wylde can hardly bear to be near the child because it reminds him so painfully of what he lost. He is tormented by the situation, yet being a good guy he does not turn Miranda and the baby out into the street. He provides for them until he can discover who the father is—especially since it might very well be the same man he has been hunting down.
The thing that makes a great hero is a man who doesn’t get going when the going is rough. Wylde sticks around despite his personal torment. He does the right thing by helping Miranda, who has nowhere else to go. And forced to deal with his own dark emotions, he eventually does find peace with the situation.
Does he make mistakes? Sure. Does his personal torment sometimes make him act less than noble? Of course. But he learns from all of his missteps. He immediately regrets his actions and seeks to make amends. And this turns him into the man the heroine can fall in love with.
This turns him into a hero.
Romance heroes linger in our minds because they are the men who prove themselves worthy of love. By finding the courage to show their vulnerabilities and their strengths, they open up their hearts…and steal ours.
Who are some of the heroes who linger in your memory?
Firesetting in childhood and adolescence: early sign of psychopathology?
This past week, police officers in Florida arrested an 18-year-old kid as prime suspect in a wave of cat killings and mutilations. The killing and torturing of animals for pleasure (excluding traditional hunting) is one of the strongest signs of serious psychopathology. Firesetting is likely a close second, with most adults and adolescents who engage in arson also have a history of childhood firesetting. But until now, most studies have not been able to accurately examine what type of firesetting is predictive of later problems? For example, some children who engage in firesetting do not engage in arson or have serious psychopathology. So what are the characteristics (severity, duration, etc) that are associated with such ‘transitional’ or ‘phase’ firesetting versus a firesetting behavior that is more chronic and potentially pathological?
In an upcoming issue of the Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry a team of researchers from the University of Toronto in Canada conducted a large epidemiological examination of firesetting among 3,965 Canadian children and adolescents in grades 7 to 12. The authors examined the correlates of 4 types of firesetters:
- No history of fire setting
- Desisters: History of firesetting but none during the past year
- Low frequency (1-2 during past year)
- High frequency (3+ times during the past year)
The authors then examined the following variables:
- sex
- age
- school level
- grades
- is family intact?
- welfare involvement?
- difficulty with peers
- daily smoking
- binge drinking
- cannabis use
- other illicit drug use
- delinquent behaviors
- Ritalin use
- high sensation seeking personality
- psychological distress
- suicidal ideation
The Results:
- 72% of the sample had either never engaged in fire setting (32%) or had engaged sometime during their lives but not during the past year (40.5%)
- 27% reported engaging in firesetting during the past 12 months.
- When compared to those with no history of firesetting, the “desisters” were were more likely to be male, older, smokers, cannabis users, high sensation seekers, and have high levels of psychological distress.
- When compared to those with no history of firesetting, the high frequency fire setters were more likely to be male, have low parental monitoring, be binge drinkers, cannabis users, illicit drug users, have a history of delinquent behaviors, be sensation seeking, have high levels of psychological distress, and have suicidal ideation. This profile was almost identical to the profile of low frequency firesetters.
While controlling for other variables:
One way to conceptualize these findings is to examine the factors that predicted high/low frequency firesetters but die no predict ‘desisters’. For example, low parental monitoring was associated with low/high frequency firesetters but not with desisters. This suggests that low parental monitor is a risk factor in more chronic firesetting behaviors and that parental monitoring may not have an impact on isolated events of firesetting that do not become chronic. Cannabis was associated with all groups, so it’s not that informative. This is not surprising given that cannabis use is very frequent among teens. However, other illicit drug use was associated with frequent fire setting only, likely reflecting the severity of behavior problems among these teens. This is supported by the finding that only the low and high frequency fire setters, and not the desisters, were more likely to have a history of delinquent behaviors.
The Reference: MacKay, S., Paglia-Boak, A., Henderson, J., Marton, P., & Adlaf, E. (2009). Epidemiology of firesetting in adolescents: mental health and substance use correlates Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry DOI: 10.1111/j.1469-7610.2009.02103.x
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ADHD medications and academic achievement in elementary school
A few weeks ago I discussed a research study that examined the effects of the medication Concerta (methylphenidate) on performance variability during cognitive tasks in children with ADHD. But does this translate to improvements in school work? Does the research support the effectiveness of ADHD meds in more tangible outcomes, such as grades or academic achievement?
Surprisingly, there is a lack of longitudinal long term research exploring the effectiveness of ADHD medication across multiple grades. Instead, most ADHD research examining academic outcomes are relatively short (within one year) or have very small sample sizes. However, in the latest issue of the Journal of the American Academy of Pediatrics, Dr. Richard Scheffler and a team from the University of California at Berkeley, reported the findings of a comprehensive long term examination of the effectiveness of ADHD medications on academic achievement.
The authors examined a representative population cohort of children entering Kindergarten in the late 1990’s. The study cohort included 11,890 children who entered Kindergarten in 1998. These children were examined yearly until the end of their 5th grade. The authors gathered information on whether the child had an ADHD diagnosis, whether the child was taking medication (more of this below), and the mathematics and reading achievement levels of all the kids during the 5 year study.
The estimation of the medication use was a bit tricky. During 5th grade, the families were asked whether the child was taking medication for ADHD at that time. If the child was not taking medication, the authors assumed that the child had not taken ADHD medication during the duration of the study. If the child was taking a medication in 5th grade, the parents were then asked to report the length of medication use, which was used to estimate past years’ use.
The authors then compared children who had been medicated to those with a diagnosis of ADHD but who had not received any medications.
The Results:
- 9% of the sample had a life-time diagnosis of ADHD by 5th grade. This does not mean that 9% of 5th graders had ADHD. It means that by 5th grade, 9% of those who entered kindergarten in 1998 had received an ADHD diagnosis sometime during their lives.
- 68 % of kids with ADHD had taken medication for their condition.
- While controlling for a number of individual and family characteristics, medicated ADHD kids had significantly higher mathematics achievement scores across the different grades than the non-medicated ADHD kids. Although this difference is statistically significant, the authors reported that the gains represent the average gain expected during 0.19 school year over a 6 year period.
- There was no difference between those medicated at a single year vs. those medicated at multiple years in their mathematics achievement scores.
- Children who were medicated in multiple years had significantly higher reading achievement scores than the non-medicated ADHD peers. This reflects gains of 0.29 school years over 6 years.
Despite the limitations of this study regarding how medication use was estimated (retrospectively via parental report, no information on dosage, gaps in administration, etc), there is one very compelling overall finding: If we are to assume that severity of ADHD is associated with the likelihood of medication use (the more severe the more likely you are to be medicated), these findings show that medications are effective in improving academic achievement even among these ’severe’ kids. But we can’t test that hypothesis because the study did not include data about the initial severity of ADHD prior to medication use. Someone could also argue that the effects observed were not due to the medication, but instead to other untapped family characteristic that differentiated those who tried medications vs. those who did not. That is, it is possible that factors that make a family more likely to try medication for their ADHD kids contribute to the kids better long-term academic performance.
The reference: Scheffler, R., Brown, T., Fulton, B., Hinshaw, S., Levine, P., & Stone, S. (2009). Positive Association Between Attention-Deficit/ Hyperactivity Disorder Medication Use and Academic Achievement During Elementary School PEDIATRICS, 123 (5), 1273-1279 DOI: 10.1542/peds.2008-1597
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The Healthy Relationships Blog: How to Invest and Grow Your Relationship Bank Accounts
(The following article is by Tristan Loo, expanded by the work of Dr. Steven Covey. My own work with couples strongly resonates with some of his concepts, including the notions of empathy, trust and high quality communication.)
You can make more friends in two months by becoming really interested in other people, than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.
-Dale Carnegie
Each one of the many relationships that you have in your life, whether it be family, personal, or professional in nature, are each like a separate checking account at your local bank where you make your deposits and withdrawals. With a financial checking account, you must maintain a positive balance by making deposits and avoid writing checks that exceeds the amount that you have in the account. The same holds true with all the relationships in our lives, but instead of money that we deposit into our account, we make what Stephen Covey referred to as “emotional deposits,” into our relationship bank accounts in the form of actions that build trust and deliver value to that person. Like a checking account, we can also make withdrawals from our relationship accounts in the form of taking actions that cause the other person any amount of pain and if we make too many withdrawals from our relationship account, the other person will eventually close our account with them.
The primary focus in this financial analogy is to make as many high-quality emotional deposits into our most important relationship accounts as possible so that we can build value and trust in those accounts. I’ve identified and listed six types of emotional deposits that you can make into your various relationship bank accounts to build value in those accounts so that it becomes a real asset that will benefit your life.
The 6 Emotional Deposits You Can Make Into Your Relationship Accounts
Think of all the genuinely nice things that people have done for you from their hearts. Each act of genuine kindness from them serves to add a little bit to their own relationship account with you. Conversely, each act of emotional pain that they give to you acts like a withdrawal from their relationship account with you. Your strongest friends are the ones with the largest relationship accounts over time. Your job is to do the same with all the people that are dear to your heart. Here are the six types of emotional deposits that will help build value in your relationships.
1. Deposit Acts of Empathy. Empathy is the ability to step out of your own perspective and see the world in the way that the other person in your relationship sees it. Some people liken empathy to stepping out of your own shoes and into the shoes of the other person and walking around in them. So often do we get caught up with trying to deliver our own message, that we forget that the key to communication is to first try to understand the other person. That’s where the saying, “Seek first to understand and then to be understood,” comes from. By demonstrating empathy, even if you’re not 100% accurate, you send powerful messages to the other person that you care about their feeling and that you are trying to understand them, which is often more powerful than actually understanding them is.
You can demonstrate empathy by actively listening to the person. Active listening simply means that you listen to the other person for the sole purpose of understanding them, without evaluating, judging or criticizing the merit of their comments. With active listening, you are not trying to give advice. You are not trying to think of what you are going to say next while they are talking. You simply listen and ask directive and open-ended questions that help you better empathize with that person. When the other person gets the feeling that you really understand them, then that’s a huge emotional deposit into their account. If the person does not feel that you are trying to understand them, then that act of non-empathy serves as an emotional withdrawal from their relationship account.
Practical Examples of Empathy Deposits
· Actively listening
· Being and showing that you are interested in their life
· Understanding rather than judging, evaluating or criticizing
· Respecting the differences of others
· Looking into the person’s eyes
· Signs of understanding, i.e. head nodding, smiles, verbal acknowledgements
2. Deposit Acts of Genuine Kindness. To build your relationship wealth, you need to deposit acts of kindness into their account. Acts of kindness helps reinforce their impression that you care about them and that you are sensitive to their feelings. Bear in mind that you can also make withdrawals from this account by performing acts of unkindness to them. When you hit a negative balance in this account, relationships starts to fall apart. Also realize that your acts of kindness MUST be genuine. That means you can’t have any perceived expectation of direct return for yourself, otherwise, it won’t touch their heart and it won’t get deposited into your relationship account as an emotional deposit and, in some cases, an insincere act of kindness can act as an emotional withdrawal. An example of a genuine act of kindness is remembering a friend’s birthday without them reminding you. An example of an insincere act of kindness is offering a female a drink, with the expectation that she will talk to you.
Practical Examples of Genuine Kindness Deposits
· Making someone else feel important
· Giving a card to someone special
· Remembering an important day for the other person
· Increasing the level of self-esteem in others
· Giving a co-worker a ride home
· Being a gentleman
· Staying later to help with a project
· Helping a friend move into a new home
· Giving a hug to friend who is sad
3. Deposit Acts of Trust. Trust is the foundation for all superior human relationships and the way trust is built and maintained is when the other person realizes that you are a person who possess the integrity to keep all the promises that you make—essentially, that you are a person of your word. Likewise, relationships suffer when too many promises, whether or not they are actual or implied promises, are broken one too many times.
Practical Examples of Trust Deposits
· Trusting others first
· Being honest
· Doing what you say you will do
· Keeping your promises
· Showing up on time
· Keeping a quality flow of communication to the other person
· Being accountable and responsible for your actions
4. Deposit Acts of Loyalty. Loyalty means that you whole-heartedly support the person in your relationship, regardless of what happens. There is a very powerful saying that goes, “A true friend is one who stands by your side when the rest of the world walks away.” There is no better definition of loyalty than this. Loyalty means that you praise and admire your friend and, most of all, you do it when they’re not present as this is the true sign of genuine loyalty. Talking badly about someone behind their back and being two-faced dissolves loyalty in a relationship. In order for a relationship to be strong, your acts of kindness to that person must be congruent to your loyalty for them.
Practical Examples of Loyalty Deposits
· Remaining faithful to someone that you love
· Saying good things about a person when they are not present
· Standing by your loved one when everyone else walks away
· Self sacrifice
5. Deposit Acts of Unconditional Forgiveness and Genuine Apology. The only way we grow as human beings is by making mistakes and learning from them. There’s a famous quote that goes, “If you’re 99% committed, eventually you’re going to fail. Even in the best relationships, we will make mistakes, however, it’s not the mistakes themselves that break relationships; it’s how we handle those mistakes which plays a more important factor. What kills relationships is having too much pride and ego to admit your mistakes, or to deny a person unconditional forgiveness when they lower their defenses and offer you a genuine apology for a past mistake.
Practical Examples of Forgiveness Deposits
· Taking 100% responsibility for your actions
· Offering a sincere apology for a mistake
· Giving someone a hug even though you are upset at them
· Accepting another person’s apology when they offer it and giving them forgiveness
6. Deposit High-Quality Communication. Relationships are built and maintained through positive, nurturing, and high-quality communication between both people in a relationship. Communication is important to establish roles and expectations between both parties. When people come together from different backgrounds, different genders, different experiences and different cultures, it’s unreasonable to expect that either one of them will think exactly the same. Communication, however, bridges that gap because with high-quality communication, the person can paint a detailed picture of their ideas and thoughts for the other person to understand, thereby, serving to bridge that gap of differences between them.
Practical Examples of Communication Deposits
· Being willing to talk openly with the other person
· Listening to the other person
· Using direct language, rather than innuendos, sulking, or sarcasm
· Being careful never to ass-u-me things from the other person
· Being willing to express your feelings through communication
Understanding and Avoiding Emotional Withdrawals
Let’s say that you have $10.00 in your checking account and you write a check for $15.00. The end result? Well, you’re not just $5.00 in the hole because the bank imposes a $35 insufficient funds fee to your account, so now you’re $40.00 in the hole. Over time, these small overdrafts that keep on getting penalized by the bank can end up becoming so large that it exceeds the amount you are able to deposit and this results in the bank closing your account.
The same is true with respect to relationship bank accounts. Small overdrafts in the form of lies, a lack of trust, poor communication, or toxic remarks can degrade that account to the point where there is little or no emotional currency left in that relationship account. When you accumulate an emotional debt that exceeds your ability to cover it with emotional deposits, then the person who you are in a relationship with will have no choice but to close that account with you.
Common Examples of Acts that Serve as Emotional Withdrawals
Manipulation
Blaming
Criticizing
Hostility
Defensiveness
Jealousy
Indifference
Lack of affection
Quarreling
Rejection
Pessimism
Workaholism
Laziness
Lack of spontaneity
Remember That The Relationship Bank Charges Your Account Monthly!
An important point to remember is that your relationship bank charges monthly fees to your account and in this analogy, there is no free-of-charge relationship accounts out there. If you have some emotional currency in your relationship bank account and you neglect it for several months, then the person who you have a relationship with will automatically charge and withdrawal monthly fees from your account as a service fee. If you don’t continue to make emotional deposits into your relationship account, then by default, you will eventually go into an emotional debt with that person and they will close your account just as if you made too many withdrawals.
Conclusion
The basis of all superior human relationships out there is to satisfy personal needs through acts of synergy. Synergy in a relationship is the coming together of two people to achieve more together than any one of them could achieve alone. That synergy requires each person to continue to make emotional deposits on a regular basis with the other person. It’s when those needs go unfulfilled that the foundation of the relationship starts to weaken and eventually, if those needs continue to go unfulfilled, that foundation will crumble. Strive to always create synergy in your relationships by making emotional deposits to the people that you love.
Copyright © 2007 by Tristan Loo. All rights reserved.
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Tristan Loo is a Life Success and Personal Effectiveness Expert. Learn more about him at www.SynergyInstituteOnline
The Healthy Relationships Place Blog: Is Your Spouse Your Best Friend? How to Keep the Fun in Your Marriage
(Dr. Resa Fremad shares her tips on how to keep a marriage strong and healthy.)
When was the last time you went on a date with your spouse? According to new research from the University of Denver the more couples invest in having fun, friendship, and being there for your partner, the happier and stronger the relationship will be over time.
According to relationship expert Dr. Resa Fremed, couples that play together, stay together. “In the years that I’ve worked with couples, I see over and over how they neglect planning time together and sharing the activities they once enjoyed. It comes as no surprise that they become glum about the state of their marriage and overwhelmed by their responsibilities. But it’s vital for the marriage and the entire family that they set aside time during the week to enjoy each other by enjoying an activity together.”
Couples that share fun activities whether it’s playing tennis or enjoy sharing the Sunday paper over breakfast frequently report that their marriage is a happy and stable one. What is considered as “fun”? Dr. Fremed says, “fun is defined as any leisure activity, with the exception of zoning out in front of the television or noodling around on the Internet, that they both enjoy doing together and have a verbal exchange.”
What can couples do to bring back that joie de vivre to their relationships? Dr. Fremed says to take the following easy steps:
Think back to when you were dating. What did you do on those dates? Write a list of activities that you both enjoyed. Did you go dancing; attend the theatre; go to museums or galleries; or dine at new restaurants?
What activities did you do when you were a kid? Think back to the fun and carefree adventures you had as a child such as hiking through the woods during a camping trip, bike-riding on a deserted country road or roller skating at the boardwalk. Once those have been determined, invite your partner to join you.
Schedule time for good old fun. It’s easy to get overwhelmed with kids, work, money and other family responsibilities, but when couples don’t take a time-out for themselves and each other that’s when their relationships start to suffer.
“It’s not rocket-science, but simple common sense,” says Dr. Fremed. “Most couples know this and they just need a little reminder that if you do fun activities together, it will keep their relationships strong, healthy and fresh.”
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Dr. Resa Fremed is a Marriage and Family Therapist in Westchester Co., NY and Fairfield Co., CT specializing in depression, anxiety, relationships and marriages, sexual problems, divorce and general life stressors.
