Archive for May, 2009
Hero Spotlight on eHarlequin
There is now a new short story about Lord Jack Aikenhead, the hero of His Forbidden Liaison, here on eHarlequin which is featuring Historicals in May in its Hero Spotlight series.
You may need to scroll down the page to find Jack, but he is there. Hope you enjoy this sidelight on London life of a spy.
Joanna
Michelle Style
Armed and dangerous — Michelle Style!
I read in an article in the New York Times that women are showing up in gyms all over the country, asking their trainers to give them Michelle arms. She is sculpted, but we all notice it because she’s so stylish and she knows how to play to her strengths.
It may not be so easy to get those “pipes” as we gym rats call them (or “pipecleaners” as my husband calls my skinny arms…), but we can all benefit from our First Lady’s fashion sense. She supports young designers as well as the classics. The most beautiful thing of all is that you can head to Target, J. Crew, and H&M to enhance your wardrobe. Michelle Obama really is a First Lady for us all (and in so many ways other than fashion, but that’s for another blog).
Hurry out and pick up a copy of MICHELLE STYLE. It was just published yesterday, so you could still be the first one on your block to show off your stylin’ new self.
This book is worth it just for its amazing design quality. It’s as much fun to look at as it is to learn from. And, then, you get all the priceless advice, too. What are you waiting for??
The Healthy Relationships Place Blog: Is Your Spouse Your Best Friend? How to Keep the Fun in Your Marriage
(Dr. Resa Fremad shares her tips on how to keep a marriage strong and healthy.)
When was the last time you went on a date with your spouse? According to new research from the University of Denver the more couples invest in having fun, friendship, and being there for your partner, the happier and stronger the relationship will be over time.
According to relationship expert Dr. Resa Fremed, couples that play together, stay together. “In the years that I’ve worked with couples, I see over and over how they neglect planning time together and sharing the activities they once enjoyed. It comes as no surprise that they become glum about the state of their marriage and overwhelmed by their responsibilities. But it’s vital for the marriage and the entire family that they set aside time during the week to enjoy each other by enjoying an activity together.”
Couples that share fun activities whether it’s playing tennis or enjoy sharing the Sunday paper over breakfast frequently report that their marriage is a happy and stable one. What is considered as “fun”? Dr. Fremed says, “fun is defined as any leisure activity, with the exception of zoning out in front of the television or noodling around on the Internet, that they both enjoy doing together and have a verbal exchange.”
What can couples do to bring back that joie de vivre to their relationships? Dr. Fremed says to take the following easy steps:
Think back to when you were dating. What did you do on those dates? Write a list of activities that you both enjoyed. Did you go dancing; attend the theatre; go to museums or galleries; or dine at new restaurants?
What activities did you do when you were a kid? Think back to the fun and carefree adventures you had as a child such as hiking through the woods during a camping trip, bike-riding on a deserted country road or roller skating at the boardwalk. Once those have been determined, invite your partner to join you.
Schedule time for good old fun. It’s easy to get overwhelmed with kids, work, money and other family responsibilities, but when couples don’t take a time-out for themselves and each other that’s when their relationships start to suffer.
“It’s not rocket-science, but simple common sense,” says Dr. Fremed. “Most couples know this and they just need a little reminder that if you do fun activities together, it will keep their relationships strong, healthy and fresh.”
——————————
Dr. Resa Fremed is a Marriage and Family Therapist in Westchester Co., NY and Fairfield Co., CT specializing in depression, anxiety, relationships and marriages, sexual problems, divorce and general life stressors.
It’s Memorial Day!
As a kid I loved Memorial Day.
Every year, our town would have a parade, and, even better, it meant that summer vacation was not far away. So, today, I thought it might be good to take a few moments to salute the many men and women who served in the United States Military, including both of my parents.
My dad was in the Army during the Korean War, and my mother was an Air Force nurse, stationed in San Antonio, TX. You could say dad was more reluctant to serve–I’m pretty sure a letter beginning with “Greetings” corralled him into the army.
But, even though I’m pretty sure she worked until she dropped, mom told me she loved her time in the air force. (She once told me she was the only nurse in charge of a ward of 100 men!) I share here a picture of her in front of her quarters in 1951.
So, while we’re enjoying our day off, let’s take a moment to remember the men–and, yes, the women–who served.
Happy Memorial Day!
The Healthy Relationships Place Blog: The Relationship Checkup
(Do a checkup on own relationship with “The Relationship Checkup” by Evelyn Schmechtig-Cochran, LMFT.)
Most adults engage in long-term relationships, including marriage and other committed partnerships. Nearly everyone experiences difficulties in their marriage or committed relationship from time to time, but some people seem more prepared to anticipate these hard times and respond to them more skillfully than others.
What personal qualities, attitudes and behaviors help these seemingly more skilled people out?
According to attachment research and Canadian psychologist, Susan Johnson, Ed.D, responsiveness to one’s partner is a key ingredient to marital success. John Gottman, Ph.D., marriage researcher, uses the expression “turning toward your partner” to describe the same ingredient in relationship satisfaction.
It is important to look at, to listen to, be there and be connected to your partner on a consistent and regular basis. As well it is imperative that you really know your partner in side and out. Relationship satisfaction is about real and lasting support and reliability. This builds trust and confidence in the other person and in the relationship.
The Relationship Checkup is a list that will help you evaluate your relationship and see how well you are doing being responsive and “turning toward” your partner. These points are based on the principles found in attachment theory as well as recent research completed separately by psychologists Judith Wallerstein and John Gottman.
Note the statements that apply to your relationship, and you will quickly gain a sense of its strengths and weaknesses.
1. People in successful, long-lasting relationships invested themselves fully in the relationship. While they have positive relationships with their parents, siblings, and other relatives, they are not overly involved with them. Some signs that you have a healthy relationship with your family (not too close, not too distant) include:
-Your families visit when invited.
-Their visits are short but satisfying.
-You speak with family members by phone, but not too often.
-Family members give advice when they are asked.
The following are some signs that your family may be too involved in your life. This can create problems in your relationship over time.
-Your family members visit too often.
-They stay too long.
-They telephone frequently.
-They give unsolicited advice.
-They drop in unannounced.
2. People in successful relationships have their own identity as a couple. There is a feeling of both togetherness and independence in the relationship. If you have developed an identity as a couple, the following things are most likely true:
-You feel loyal toward each other.
-You listen carefully to each other.
-You know each other’s histories.
-You pay attention to each other’s moods and body language.
-You share your thoughts and feelings.
-You allow each other a private space and don’t intrude on it.
-You respect each other as separate, autonomous people.
If you have not fully developed your sense of identity as a couple, you will recognize signs like these:
-You are sometimes disloyal toward each other.
-You don’t listen carefully to each other.
-You don’t know very much about each other’s pasts.
-You ignore each other’s moods and body language.
-You keep your thoughts and feelings to yourselves.
-You sometimes invade each other’s private space.
-Even though you may live in the same house, it sometimes seems like you are living parallel lives.
3. Bringing children into a relationship changes it radically. Couples with children learn to successfully integrate them into their relationship. Positive signs include:
-You accept that there are times when you must place your own needs after the needs of your child.
-You do your best to stay in touch with each other emotionally and nurture your relationship.
-You set aside time every week for the two of you to spend time alone together.
The following signs indicate that you have not fully integrated children into your relationship:
-You resent the times when you must put your child’s needs ahead of your own.
-You are overly focused on your child.
-You have lost touch with each other emotionally.
-You hardly ever find time to be alone with your partner.
4. Every relationship is challenged by crises and life transitions. Losing a job, a death in the family, a serious accident, or other significant event can test any relationship. If your relationship has successfully navigated life’s crises and transitions, the following statements are most likely true:
-You never blame each other for the stress that comes with the crisis.
-You face difficult times as a team.
-You look for ways to support each other emotionally.
-You help each other keep your perspective when there is a crisis.
-You seek outside support during times of crisis (talking to friends and family, seeing a counselor, etc.).
If the crises and life transitions have done harm to your relationship, you have probably experienced the following during the difficult times:
-One partner seems to emotionally abandon the other.
-One partner blames the other.
-One partner becomes extremely angry, worried, or anxious.
-You don’t seek support from people who could help you.
5. Successful relationships are safe places where anger, conflict, and differences may safely be expressed. Each partner is allowed to have and express their own views. The following signs point to this being true:
-You have had serious conflicts, but you have not allowed them to damage your relationship.
-You respect the other person’s right to stand his or her ground.
-You may find anger uncomfortable, but you accept that it is a part of life.
In relationships where it is not safe to express conflict, the following things are true:
-Your conflicts have harmed your relationship.
-You disagree about many things but never talk about them.
-You both try to intimidate the other into agreeing with your point of view.
-Anger is so uncomfortable that you avoid it.
-There are no limits to what you will do when you become angry.
6. Successful long-term relationships have a positive sexual component. The partners take care to protect their sexual relationship from the demands of work and family. The signs of such a relationship are:
-You sometimes have different levels of sexual need, but you make room for each other’s changing levels of desire.
-You are honest with each other about your changing sexual desires and feelings.
-You set aside time for your sexual relationship and protect your privacy.
If a sexual relationship is less than satisfying, the following statements are true:
-You find it hard to talk about sex.
-Sex is like a battlefield.
-You never have time for sex.
7. Successful partners share laughter and fun times, and work to maintain their mutual interests. For example:
-You have fun together.
-You make each other laugh.
-You find each other interesting.
-You each have your own interests that you pursue on your own.
If your relationship is becoming stale, you will tend to describe it like this:
-You rarely have fun together anymore.
-You don’t laugh much when you are together.
-You are bored with each other.
-You avoid spending time together.
-You have few shared interests.
8. Relationships that last are safe places where you can let down your guard and be vulnerable. You know you can count on the other to comfort and encourage you. If this is true, you might describe it as follows:
-It is okay to be vulnerable when you are with your partner.
-You understand each other.
-You encourage each other.
-You pay attention to each other’s moods and respond when the other seems needy.
If your relationship is not a very safe place, the following is probably true:
-It is not safe to be needy and vulnerable in your relationship.
-You exhaust each other’s emotional reserves.
-You don’t pay attention to each other’s moods.
-When you are worried about something, you avoid telling your partner.
-You feel worse about yourself when you are with your partner.
9. People who have successful long-term relationships stay romantic and idealistic about each other, even though they are growing older. These are some of the signs of such a relationship:
-You have good memories of when you fell in love with your partner.
-You are glad to be growing older with your partner.
If you have lost some of the romance of your relationship, you are likely to agree with these statements:
-You can hardly remember the days when the two of you first fell in love.
-Seeing your partner grow older makes you feel badly because it reminds you that you are growing older.
10. You have far more positive moments in your relationship than negative ones. Some signs of positive moments include:
-You show affection for each other.
-You apologize for the hurtful things you may say or do.
-You show each other empathy.
-You are polite to each other.
Examples of negative moments include:
-Your discussions often leave you feeling frustrated.
-You often pick on each other.
-Many of your conversations turn into arguments.
-You behave disrespectfully toward each other.
-You are physically violent with each other.
11. People in successful relationships are able to manage conflict productively. They are skilled at keeping times of discord from getting out of control. For example:
-You call a time-out when your emotions escalate.
-You know how to calm yourselves down.
-You take care to speak and listen nondefensively.
-You take care to validate the other person’s point of view, even when you disagree with it.
Couples in less successful relationships allow conflict to become damaging in the following ways:
-You blame each other.
-You treat each other disrespectfully.
-You deny responsibility for your own actions.
-You become so angry that you leave or emotionally withdraw.
——————————-
Evelyn Schmechtig-Cochran is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who has been practicing as a therapist for almost 20 years. When others talk about Evelyn they describe her as being genuinely concened, professional, having a gentle manner with great patience and flexibility. As well, people say she is funny and appropriately transparent.She sees individuals, couples, and families. And, she specializes in couples work and is trained in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. Learn about her therapy services in Newark, California at www.windowsofopportunitycounseling.com.
Finding Mr Darcy and Mr Willoughby!
I love any excuse for a research trip so when I managed to persuade my sister and her husband that they would enjoy a few days in Derbyshire looking at houses like Chatsworth and Haddon Hall I was thrilled. We stayed in a pub in the picturesque village of Beeley which is on the Chatsworth estate and a short walk from the great house itself. On our first day we were lucky with the weather and the sun shone. We did the walk which took us along the side of the river Derwent. There were few people about and I couldn’t help thinking how beautiful the landscape was with its backdrop of high wooded hills. I’m not quite convinced that Jane Austen transplanted Chatsworth for Pemberley, but these words from Pride and Prejudice came to mind.
Elizabeth’s mind was too full for conversation, but she saw and admired every remarkable spot and point of view. They gradually ascended for half a mile, and then found themselves at the top of a considerable eminence, where the wood ceased, and the eye was instantly caught by Pemberley House, situated on the opposite side of a valley, into which the road with some abruptness wound. It was a large, handsome stone building, standing well on rising ground, and backed by a ridge of high woody hills; and in front a stream of some natural importance was swelled into greater, but without any artificial appearance. Its banks were neither formal nor falsely adorned. Elizabeth was delighted. She had never seen a place for which nature had done more, or where natural beauty had been so little counteracted by an awkward taste. They were all of them warm in their admiration; and at that moment she felt that to be mistress of Pemberley might be something!
The interiors of Chatsworth are stunning, but I particularly loved the details of rooms and objects and artefacts displayed. This limewood carving by Grinling Gibbons caught my eye, I cannot imagine where he would have even started to make such a carving. I particularly loved the dining room, too, with a table laid out with a beautiful service in green contrasted by cranberry glass.
There is a lovely exhibition on at the moment featuring the costumes from the film ‘The Duchess’ which is based on the life of Georgiana, Duchess of Devonshire. There is also a room full of Georgiana’s personal belongings and letters which are fascinating to read and a fun room where you can try on some costumes and wigs to transport yourself back in time. Chatsworth featured prominently in the recent production of Pride and Prejudice – the nearest I got to seeing Mr Darcy was the bust they had made of Matthew Macfadyen! But I’m sure fans of the film would not only love to see that but would enjoy wandering round pointing out all the places that were used in the film.
A walk round the gardens is a must though the heavens decided to open as we walked to the cascade. The garden covers more than 105 acres and it is a good idea to take a trip round in one of the special buggies they have. We explored on foot and I didn’t mange to see everything I would have liked – I will just have to go again another day.
Last, but by no means least I am excited to show you the cover of my new book, Willoughby’s Return, which will be published by Sourcebooks in November. I think it’s gorgeous – thank you to the wonderful designers at Sourcebooks! There is more information about the book on my website Austen Effusions and an extract from the book.
The Beach House
…or, Why I Hate Flip-Flops
One of the sleeper hits of this summer is an Avon A book, THE BEACH HOUSE, written by Georgia Bockoven.
THE BEACH HOUSE is the perfect summer read, as I’m sure you could tell by the title and the adoreable flip-flops on the front cover. In it, different couples find their lives changed after they spend some time at, you guessed it, a beach house.
The book is just wonderful, but the flip-flops are sort of a pet peeve of mine. I see women, especially in New York City, walking around town in them all summer long. They wear them when it’s below 60 degrees; they wear them in the rain, which can’t be very safe; they wear them all over the place.
I am no fan of the flip-flop, unless you are at the beach (or in a dormitory shower!). First off, everyone who walks in them walks “funny.” You don’t want to believe this, but it’s true. Sorry. Do you really want your feet practically exposed to all the gross stuff on the streets?
Twice I have had large rodents come into contact with my shoes! I don’t want to think of how much MORE horrified I’d have been if I were wearing flip-flops.
Remember the young women who wore flip-flops to the White House? They’re so cute and happy and well dressed, but the flip flops didn’t work for me. I take heart in that Clinton and Stacy would surely agree with me.
Men in flip-flops (or mandals!) are even worse. But that’s another story.
Digging up Bones – Research Fun
By Ciara Gold
So, what prompts an author to write historicals? Is it their love of research? Is it a secret desire to live vicariously in the past? Perhaps it’s as simple as wanting to connect to their roots. Regardless, research is one of the key elements in a finely crafted historical romance.
For me, it issn’t so much the research that provides a “turn on” but the unearthing of “bones,” those little known facts that provide food for thought. Research isn’t my favorite cup of tea. I like it, don’t mind doing it, but good research is time-consuming and takes away from writing time. My reward for digging up facts is finding tidbits of information that I can work into a scene with effortless prose. I hate reading a story and having the action stop so the author can “enlighten” me with endless facts that while pertinent, really had no bearing on the success of the story. The truly remarkable authors are able to sprinkle these facts into the storyline without interrupting the flow.
I have a new romance coming out in August. I loved working on this book because the possibilities were endless. On the Silver Edge of Time isn’t just a time travel. The book also includes fantasy. 
For the premise to work, I had to research a lot about Vikings. Along the way, I discovered fun facts. For example, I found a reference to toothpaste and how these ancient travelers kept their teeth clean with a mixture of finely ground cuddle fish bones and mint leaves. I leaned that the term “corn” referred to grain in general and did not pertain to the corn we eat in America. Contrary to popular belief, not all funerals involved setting a ship afloat and lighting it afire. In some cases, the Viking was buried in a hole big enough to house his yacht and precious possessions. In my bid to make this the best book I could possibly craft, I read several Viking romances written by others. While doing so helped me get into the right frame of mind, I knew that I couldn’t rely on others to provide the world-building facts I desired. Many beginning authors make the mistake of basing their story on the research provided in similar genre books. Bad move. What if that author’s research is inaccurate? Or even worse, the use of these facts limits your story to only these facts.
Ciara Gold, author of best selling Celestial Dragon, writes science fiction futuristic and historical western romances for Champagne Books.
Mother Nurture
Even though Mother’s Day was yesterday, I think you’ll agree with me that it’s worth celebrating mothers every day. If you want to read about the stellar mothers of some stellar children, check out MOTHER NURTURE: LIFE LESSONS FROM THE MOTHERS OF AMERICA’S BEST AND BRIGHTEST.
You can find out how the mothers of people such as Beyoncé, Lance Armstrong, and Steven Spielberg helped their children become the icons they are today. Who knows, they might have some advice on how to encourage your own child to realize their dreams!
I, for one, am thankful to my mother for encouraging in me a love for reading and writing. Unlike a lot of first-generation immigrant parents who want their children to grow up to become doctors or lawyers, she thought the best thing one could do in the world was to become a writer (well, that and providing her with grandchildren!).
What are you thankful to your mother for?
The Healthy Relationships Place Blog: Commitment – The Essential Ingredient in Your Relationship
(Richard Nicastro is a psychologist and relationship coach who discusses the importance of commitment in relationships. He uses the metaphor of running a marathon to describe the idea that relationships are plain hard work! He poses the question, “will love be enough?”)
Anyone who has run a marathon knows about commitment. To compete, the athlete relies on extensive training and physical fitness. But when the initial enthusiasm wanes and the painful, long-distance realities grip the runner’s body, it is sheer dedication–commitment to completing what she started–that sustains the runner’s motivation as she reaches for the finish line.
A relationship is a lot like running a marathon. There are highs and lows, challenges and rewards, and times when you may want to give up–when it feels too difficult to continue. What will keep you on track and moving forward when your relationship hits the inevitable rough patch? Will love be enough?
Commitment: Your relationship lifeline
Commitment is a belief in relationship permanence and the understanding that at times your union will need a life-jacket to stay afloat.
When you and your partner are committed to the relationship, the union remains more important then your (and your partner’s) individual needs. Without mutual commitment, deep trust will never take root and intimacy will wither. When one person’s commitment is tenuous, the very fabric of the relationship is weakened. A lack of commitment reduces the buffer that holds relationships together during times of conflict and stress. Imagine living with the fear that periodic slumps in your relationship can cause your partner to bail.
Trust and deep intimacy will only grow in the soil of commitment
Commitment has a dual role in your relationship.. You can view commitment as the vehicle to help deepen your love, and you can also view it as a safety net of sorts, a way to protect your marriage or relationship during the difficult periods that each and every relationship experiences.
Commitment allows love and intimacy to mature over time. Someone who ends a relationship because the excitement of new love has diminished misses out on the opportunities that relationships bring for individual and mutual growth.
Some erroneously believe that a commitment like “till death do us part” means foolishly locking yourself into a life-time of potential unhappiness. No one should commit to a relationship that cannot meet their needs. Your needs (and your partner’s needs) do matter and should be part of the overall commitment equation. But life and relationships are complicated, and there will be stretches of time when your partner does not meet your needs (and you will not meet your partner’s needs). Commitment is what will get you through those rough stretches, enabling each of you to get back on track in meeting each other’s needs once again.
All couples (married and unmarried) face an enormous challenge: How to stay devoted to one another throughout the life of your relationship, even when early enthusiasm and euphoria naturally wane.
Commitment is a very personal process. Unfortunately, for some it will mean blind dedication to a union that rarely meets their needs; while others eschew commitment and impulsively use the ebb and flow of happiness as the gauge whether to stay or leave. Both of these approaches are flawed. Ideally, commitment will remain in place as happiness comes and goes and your relationship finds its footing along life’s shifting terrain.
Commitment checklist:
Commit to ________:
…understanding that love grows and deepens over a lifetime
…acknowledging that all relationships go through ups and downs
…continuously working toward a meaningful relationship that will transcend momentary happiness
…working through problems with your partner (while resisting the temptation to get your needs met outside of the relationship)
…finding solutions that will keep your relationship moving forward
…compromising (even when you think you’re right)
…yourself and the relationship
Don’t commit to ________:
…anything that feels abusive…always sacrificing what’s most important to you…the idea that if your relationship requires hard work it means your relationship is flawed…the mindset that it’s acceptable for your needs to continuously go unmet
One of the greatest challenges to commitment lies in the instant-gratification mindset–the idea that you deserve to have what you want when you want it. The settings to our pleasure barometer have been altered and humans are less willing to deal with frustrating circumstances or anything that feels like it stands in the way of immediate happiness. This poses a problem for relationships.
When you make decisions about your relationship based solely on the need to feel happy (all the time), you abandon commitment and the rich opportunities that are essential for your relationship to grow.
I invite you to think about what commitment means to you. What you are committing to in your marriage or relationship?
To discover many practical tips for a stronger relationship, visit Dr. Nicastro’s website at http://StrengthenYourRelationship.com/ and sign up for his FREE monthly newsletter. You will also immediately receive two free reports that can help you build the relationship of your dreams.
—————————————————————————
Richard Nicastro, Ph.D. is a psychologist and relationship coach who is passionate about helping couples protect the sanctuary of their relationship. Rich and his wife Lucia founded LifeTalk Coaching, an internet-based coaching business that helps couples strengthen their relationships.
